It helps to know I am not the only one who has gone through and goes though this nonsense still. Put yourself in the drivers seat and start organizing things how you want them to be. And how is that a suprise for his birthday? I am so sorry for mine, as well. When I look back there was a lot of family problems/tensions and my brother and I certainly suffered emotional abuse. Perhaps you could suggest that? email us your dilemma at hello@thegirlsbathroom.com follow us on instagram @thegirlsbathroomshop the girls bathroom here : http. I have been in a relationship for about 3 months now with someone I've known for about 3 years. Weve been divorced for almost 5 years and Ive talked to them about inviting him to stuff before. I can completely sympathise. The bitterness seems to just grow and turns into something quite ugly. Wish me the same, Wow! I mixed nations they claim and am damed to hell Your sentiments match mine to a T! Soon after my little sister moved, my mom did too. It will cause more pain in the family. Start researching!!! I feel exactly as you do. It doesnt make it any less painful. For example, whenever my Ex comes up during a conversation, when there are several people around, (cousins, my sister) they will ask, If things are better with my Ex. Even still, it can be best to give things time. Her husband is still talking to my ex against my wishes. I now have nothing to do with the rest of my family because of the betrayal. Please remember that none of these options have to be forever. But,they will wish them good holidays,fawn over posts , give him the grand parent title,etc.While they ignore my husband completely and his adult children rub it in.They ignore me too (they were divorced for over 10 yrs when we married) because I dont give them much choice.We have ours at home.I stay away from them.Its hard on my husband,unfortunately. "acceptedAnswer": { A divorce permanently ends a relationship, and no matter how much the sisters or parents may like the ex, they need to honor your decision. My family sympathized but acted also like it was futile to offer an olive branch.. It remained, he was in and my children and I were out. Now his ex is pregnant and its looking like his sister is going to be godmother to the baby. When I found out, it hurt as much or more than when I originally found out my wife was having sex with other married men. At my mothers house with my 2 sisters and their 5 cousins. Thats really not very Christian at all is it? And I personally have no problem whatsoever with him or his girl. My bf said that if he had the chance he would hangout with his exs family because they were there for him during a rough time and he respects them for that. He and I both say that we've never been happier. You should feel happy that his family are the type to grow bonds with the familial partners. children,Grandchildren together. She ruined my daughters life and my relationship with pretty much everyone in my family at this point. The 800 pound gorilla in the room that no one seems to be addressing is- maybe her family has reasons for liking the ex more than her. Maybe you get a man a focus on your own relationships. They should be put first, before either of their parents comfort or happiness. My sister helped him, allowed him to take her kids on holidays! I can also have a better report with her than my dad at times. I think if he had been so great they would still be married. That doesnt mean that they may never see him again, but you should be the one that makes that decision, and they need to wait for you to make that call. Sorry they think this is okay. How family can be so insensitive and how they can befriend someone who hurt their sister/daughter so much is beyond me. Published. and i was never invited. You stay strong and take the high road. Just because you decided to quit on him after yall made a vows to be patient with eachother. A goodman would not want to interfere in a mother/daughter relationship. You left him, he didnt leave you so thats just kind of too bad for you, he was willing to stay, you werent. He acted as though there was nothing wrong with him. So what if your siblings and mother dont stop loving him like you did. easy to see the narcissist here. My brother was furious theyd made some kind of back handed gesture that blamed him. She also has full custody of the kids, which means she would technically have more influence in there lives then he could just by visitation witch is several weekends a month, my parents are/where? If you notice any of these, then you can be sure that he still likely has feelings for her, and might even consider getting back together with her. His ex-wife is best friends with some family members, who, out of loyalty, cannot fully embrace me. What a loser! Made snide comments about his excessive drinking and mishandling of money. You may not value me but I value me! And its not giving you time to heal from the pain of divorce. These are six ways to stay in touch with your ex's family, respectfully: Talk To Your Ex First If your desire to stay close with your ex's family is strong enough to fight for, be an adult. I think you have to do what is right for you. I bet if you look through your own family that has supported your ex you will start to see similar traits xxx. But its been very weird lately with how his son been acting towards me. You might explain that since he has a girlfriend that he substitute her family for yours, that may mean that your kids go to her familys for Holidays on occasion but if she is going to be in the mother role than you may have to clear this up once and for all. Almost done! so happy 2 herre from me he also told me he love me . I ask my siblings to let go of my ex family or let go of me. Drag him to every family event you an. But if youre a year down the line and he still hasnt introduced you to his friends and family? That simple. Could it be that this has something to do with it? Its so inappropriate. New wife upset ex-wife still attends spouse's family events. Apparently they like him better than they like you and are willing to sacrifice you for him, which is a whole different therapy session, but if you want your family back, you have to make him and his new girlfriend be the ones to decide that it just feels weird to be part of YOUR family any longer. He didnt afford me the same thing. Childrens and Parenting Issues after Divorce, Conflict & Parenting: Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Customize Your Post-Separation Parenting Relationship, Children's and Parenting Issues after Divorce, 10 Tips for a Lasting Relationship After Divorce. This is the most unforgivable part, no loyalty to me is one thing, to my daughter is a whole new level. My boyfriend's ex is still close with his mother. christmas, divorce, his ex, insecure. I think they are insensitive and dont deserve you. Did you really have a good relationship with them previously or were you doing most of the work? And I dont mean after the first two months. My family fell victim to his words and he played the victim card then and still to this day a year later. If they don.t stop the madness and disrespect, join a group with common interests and get yourself a new family. They feel they have to keep things going with her in order to see the kids. He made out he was a victim when in fact he indulged in his every whim and was extremely controlling. But she cant stand up for herself. My ex SIL is not a horrible person, but I feel we should support my brother and give him a break from having to endure holidays with her. It makes it harder for me to bond with my new family if the ex is constantly a presence. Both of my children were at my sisters for Christmas. Perhaps they will understand when they are standing in your shoes. I recently received a question to which I, unfortunately, had to give a very simple answer. They swore they didnt choose him. She had been like a daughter to me. It is awkward at family functions when both of us are around. Ignore the past and accept him as he is, a part of the family. I am sure you have friends, that have friends, that you just dont like or care for but it has nothing to do with your relationship with your friend, its pretty similar to that. Ive had it. You are the one handling this wrong. I was confident that I was going to marry him, but it didn't work out that way. as some currently going through this same thing only Im the ex..Im the one pushed out of the circleI was never given a clear reason why, even as to why she left. I am ready to let go of my anger about this. I am sorry it hurts so bad, but maybe its you that need to work with it. They know what he did in our marriage and they are friends with him. Like I didnt choose the life of divorce. The more you keep them away from your family, the more you are actually hurting the children. Its disrespectful and callous particularly At Thanksgiving. OMGI thought I was the only one who had gone going thru this. She knows how it makes my boyfriend feel. If they dont respect your feelings at least you will know where you stand with them. There can be many reasons for your boyfriend to keep his ex's pictures on his Instagram. At least my family knew they were wrong, because they hid that my sister was having a relationship with my ex-wife, whom I divorced because she was sneaking around and cheating on me. readmore It guess it was an unecpected shock the responces were im sorry you feel that way , feeling better today?, im sorry we turned my backfollowed by a list of excuses. The X physically, mentally and sexually abused me. I split with my abusive ex and my Dad, stepmum and siblings sided with my ex and wouldnt uninvite him to a family wedding even though I had just fled my home! The children dont remember why I left because they were so youngso when they just skip over issues like physical violence, choking, battery, rape, etc. Even when I tried to explain myself my explanations were then judged. but will drive 2 hours to spend holidays or special events with MY family. I have family members who still talk to my ex, think he;s such a good guy, he cheated on me and so, they dont care I guess they feel I deserved it,,, otherwise they would cut ties right? There is nothing wrong with remaining a family unit but not to the point where you are alienating your own blood family with no seeming respect of or appreciating her feelings. Follow her on Twitter. No. I dont talk to or see my family anymore. My ex and his mistress has taken over my family but we had no children together. Even after marriage he refused to have a joint account and denied me access to money. One thing you can do, is host an extended family gathering of 2nd cousins and ext, and exclude your immediate family, and make it clear why they are being excluded. I wouldnt do it to my loved ones. Smile and be happy your family is awesome go back and start enjoying them again. We regularly talk about our future together, but there is one thing getting in the way. Their ex may even become a new friend! A joke. I had to tell my family to choose. The easy solution is don't show up when she'll be there, columnist Carolyn Hax says. "text": "I feel like an emotional mess and cry any time I think about how my family keeps meeting my ex. But such extreme violence and other behavior isnt so easy to forget. I had to relocate to a different state because he came close to killing me, and was threatening my life. Hes not just a random bf, that would be different. Be careful of the mask he wears!! The fact that hes talking about her simply means that shes on his mind. Plus, we all hang out a lot and he was able to see that my actions matched my words. Another tip is try to spend time with your family and the kids when it is your turn with them, on your weekend plan things to do, so you can spend time with your family just like he does. All these years later, my family still chooses him. My daughter is now cutting ties with her sister and her brother-in-law because one of them is not cutting ties with him and he had been asked before not to communicate with him. I also wish that I wake up and the hurt will be gone and Ill somehow find a way to not care and forget them. Pathetic! If your ex doesn't want you to stay friends with their family, it might be best to respect their wishes. (on her Exs days). That is true for you. When he does that and Mom knows he's serious, that mom-and-ex relationship will quickly dissolve. Fix your things and youll feel better about the rest. If I say anything, then all future visiting will be drained by that cloud of despise. He still has his ex's photos and refuses to remove them. It sucks to share. Saddens me my family has never had my back or cared about me. I was told they where simply all friends. Family is first. They just want everyone to get along. Very, very selfish person. My sister invited him over to her house and they all played happy families for quite a while until he went over to Thailand. Your family sound like they are overstepping boundaries. Add your answer to this question! They all knew of my upcoming divorce did not tell me about it. She helped raise me. It just seems wrong. However, as time goes on I see them looking at you as unreasonable. If your family is harassing your wife to the point of depression that is cruel to both of you and shows a complete lack of respect for both your feelings. I have told him that its painful for me to see her accepted as a member of the family and that he still has a close relationship with her. She said she didnt know yet. Even though it hurts me badly to hear of all the things my ex, my kids, and my family do together all the time, I never say anything about it to my kids. I asked that we NOT invite her going forward (I found out too late shed already been invited). My brother passed away and I resumed the relationship with my parents. I am sure their are friends of yours that have friends that you dont care for, but that is not stopping you from being that persons friend if that makes sense. Of course he makes it seem like everything is my fault and she believes it! You didn't mention his age. Horrible. He also said that he felt like he was married to a good friend and . You could talk to your family about how you feel when your ex is there or keep a distance." I have been going through the same thing for the past 11 years. Why did you leave him, did he do something or was the enotions just gone. It is sick. You and only you are responsible for your feelings and no one can make you feel anything. When I found out I gave him 30 days to move and take any furniture he might need. Do what YOU need to do for YOUR mental health!! My heart breaks for her everyday and I worry about her constantely. Have you talked to your perents, becuse there is no mention of there response. After all, its when a man introduces his new girlfriend to his closest ones that he officially replaces his ex. You are unreasonable. And perhaps he doesnt carry bitterness because he never truly loved your daughter. I invited my family and my sons father. After fighting a serious life threatening medical condition. You are in complete denial. I can see how this situation makes it very difficult to move on with little support from your family. I very much expected my family (if not my friends) to support my decision and back my play. I tried to make them understand how it felt like they were patting him on the back and letting him know hes a good person even though he did these things to me. I dont expect you to disown your own blood but that doesnt mean we are still cool. I had to pull away from family of origin & create a life with friends to create boundaries & live a life away from their meanness.God can judge, and one day they will get his just rewards. They are master manipulators and will have laid the ground work for years; running you down and always presenting themselves as the victim. So i made the excruciating decision to cut ties with them. Dont be surprised! Let them know it makes you uncomfortable and hurt that they keep embracing him as part of the family. Where is the maturity in that??? When we divorced he ended up with a Thai girl and they had a baby. How does this happen? Maybe youre already there since Im late to this post. It is simple. I think you should have a talk with your whole family and be open to them that their relationship with your ex is hurting you. My family even took family pictures with my kids and my ex and I wasnt in them. if your family comes back around fantastic but your feelings matter, and you matter if something or someone is hurting you, cutting ties is the best tell your children you would prefer not to hear about daddys girlfriend. Cedric are you in a similar situation as the author of this post? I really do. He is certifiably nuts. This is exactly what happened with me and my ex when we split up. Because those men are much more dangerous. Personal I think youre being selfish. My ex was the one that filed for divorce! Meet Cordae, How I Saved Grocery Money By Dating (Yes, Really). I got back in touch with my Dad last year and after months of phone calls he wouldnt even meet up with me 5 minutes from his house with me making a 90 mile journey! i told him ill help hom get throu he wanted me 2 b at his sentences hearing 2 b a creatable witness on his b half say something good bout him it help knock down his time basically he wanted me 2 lie 2 the judge . About 1wk he later, I was visiting my grandparents and his Truck is parked next door at my Mothers rental house and hes living there and coming to my 90yr old grandparents to eat dinner everyday. Since they chose him, I am no longer part of the family. So, at least he was no longer too much in my family, I was kinda happy. I ran my own business didnt change like he said was just so sad and I still amI blocked all my family who are friends with himhe gave me a copy of a divorce agreement before he moved out of our home, married 3 days after the divorce and I am now a subject of His sermons.. he told people in his congregation that I had him served at work, not telling people he gave me papers first he is quote a pastor now I use that term lightly.. I havent spoke to my 2 sisters in 4 years. I understand people form relationships through marriage but divorce also causes a family dynamic to change. I didnt even get an invite! I do NOT understand why family does not support family and you and your feelings should be the priority, not your ex. If you cannot expect your family to be loyal, supportive, and defend you in this difficult adjustment period then what is the point of even having a family? Why should the sister-in-law/brother, father, mother, etc. Kathy didnt invite me to nephews graduation and shes being very secretive about my ex going to my moms to spend time with her. You cannot accept the fact that your perceived value far exceeds your worth so you constantly have to prop up the false character you have created to fool everyone yet once again I remind you that I can see right through your masks. To me its just plain unnatural and although it hurts you are well rid of people who think its ok to treat you like that xx. I love them all. female At least for the sake of your kids. I dont want a forced relationship with them. When I see couples whove divorced and remain friends with their ex and continue to parent, even with their new partners. wtf? You need to put her in her place and tell your mom and everyone else to respect you because once they an EX its an EX! These abuser are master manipulators and your family isnt deserving of you. He hasnt moved on with another woman which I was really hoping he would but he did move right across from my parents home which is convenient for them all. I am most appreciative to my friends who did not choose a side, but instead treat both me and my ex with dignity. I agree with you! When I first got divorced my ex was hanging around a lot of my family. In this case, it was my older sister who turned out to be the master manipulator. I feel they should respect your boundaries and you! Your opinion of him means nothing, and his actions speak volume beyond your petty and shameful argument. All she wanted to know is if I wrote a mean reply back. Thats wrong. 1. He drags me to court claims to be broke I am now left with how to carry on with 2 children with upcoming major events In their life and having such hate toward their father. My ex just started dating someone so Im about to enter this new stage as they welcome her as well. Cut off your family if you must. I am so sorry for what you have gone through. Its actually his family. I dont get to see my little niece or nephew grow. He might love her forever as a person, because he thinks that she is an outstanding and amazing person. Good luck to you. I have lived something similar to this. They knew then, as well as now, that I sure the hell am not spending holidays with my ex!! My ex always said I had issues with authority is all I wasnt abused by her. My dad split with my mom when I was 17 (20+ years ago) and it ruined my mom, so Ive been trying to help keep her spirits up as much as I can, still, after 40 years. His family doesnt even call them on their birthday. Your family should either choose you or cut them off. At the end of the day YOUR family should be there for you and his family there for him! It doesnt, especially if they dont want it to. Weve been divorced for 9 years, and I remarried 5 years ago. He quite happily told my Father that I couldnt do anything because I didnt have any money! To hate me would mean they would have to care. So, if you're in a similar situation, dont panic talk about it with your partner. He hasn't yet introduced you to his family and friends 8. Yes! Shes overstepped too much and shared personal information regarding me to my inlaws. guess what You are kind of making things more complicated then it needs to be. And have 5kids. reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2010): A She should not be demanding that her family cut him off. There needs to be compromise. The only way I got through that horrible time was to hope that they would one day come to their senses and realize that blood is thicker than water Because this would be a decision she wanted to make, and all I want is for her to be happy. I was beside myself with so much hurt. I should point out that no one in my boyfriends family seems to think any of this is wrong, apart from him, and theyve never said anything to his sister, even though they know how we feel. You would be disappointed and deeply frustrated. He shattered her life and the life of his two young children. Of course.I would welcome them speaking to her. They all include him in holidays, excluded me and still continue to invite him, sometimes now me as well, but I do not join as the pain is so deep. She is the one devastated, she is the one soul searching and self questioning and open to advice, she is the one who has made an effort with her sisters etc despite their seemingly unnaturally overlavish attention towards her ex. My family is highly toxic , mentally ,physically abusive . My husbands brother told me that the ex-wife was his sister. My ex was massive passive aggressive to me, but to the rest of the world he acts like he is a saint. Hope things are better. Often the person leaving has been putting in the most effort and done everything they can to save the relationship before they throw in the towel. My opinion is that you are not being honest about your behaviour. Exactly. A good man, a good father. It depresses me severely now that my children also participate in this process though we have great relations outside of this issueunless I bring it up. 7. I think they are good people and I have accepted a number of invitations. "Being platonic friends with an ex (after a bit of cooling off time) is completely fine, as long as you respect boundaries and let everyone know theres no chance of reconciliation," online dating expert Julie Spira told Elite Daily. I have NEVER commented to any post, but I cannot imagine. Now my niece is getting married and she wants to take part in hosting the bridal shower and be at the wedding. Shame on them. His ex is still in your lives by hanging out with his family and she's being talked about in front of you. The brother chooses to remain very close with the ex in ways that feel inappropriate, and vice versa. Especially when I found out my ex bought one of them a house!! Validation is so refreshing. You control your response to someone. Im not interested in having a pity party. She is married and has two children, neither are his. I will be 650 miles away with my new wonderful husband of almost 5 years. If you still then know that he shouldn't be speaking to his ex, it's wrong in some way and you want him to stop, don't cave or compromise on this. No your not being unreasonable to expect loyalty from your family, getting it is anither thing. I dont get to see my little niece or nephew grow. But now I havent seen him for 5 months as he is seeking full custody so doesnt want to do anything to hurt his case. You need to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your boyfriend about his feelings towards his ex, his feelings towards this little girl, and where he sees things going in the future. Its one of the most gut wrenching times you will go through, but you will make it and look back on it years later and breathe a sigh of relief that its a thing of the past. So I started talking to him about it and he said he doesnt want me to talk about her anymore. Bless you and stay strong . No wonder their are more single moms now then any other generation before you. This sounds like my situation please tell me more I so am looking for answers. Thanks FAMILY. They include him but dont exclude me, the way it sounds like your family did. My boyfriend and I are going through the same thing with his family and his ex. Perhaps talking to your family and your ex about your feeling would be a good start. My dad took her side and laid into me about it (right when it happened, before I said anything to him). I absolutely agree with Your view however I myself still struggle with this decision. I think every situation is different. That post was delusional and makes me sick. My sister, and my niece came in and gave him a hug and ignored me. When one ex tries to force that to happen there is always the concern that he or she is trying to control things and that may have had an impact on the failure of the marriage in the first place! Your trying to control a group of adults and punishing your children for your choice to divorce their dad. My ex has our kids every other weekend. I know there may come a day when he moves back here and I will never see any of them again. I totally understand where you are coming from! I believe the ex is being manipulative and enjoys causing my husband to be left out. Today, the website offers thousands of pages of divorce-related articles, FAQs, podcasts, videos, and targeted advertising. Like you say I didnt expect his family to support me but I didnt expect my own family to turn on me and support my ex too! No matter how hard I try to not let it bother me, it does. I just hope you can find a way to remain in contact with the little ones. Do you really think that many people walk out on a marriage lightly with no access to money, transport, their possessions or pets as i did? "Communicate openly with friends and family of your ex . My girlfriend of 3 years cant seem to get over her divorce. They have worked everything out: who's having the kids when and she is waiting for her house sale to go through before she moves out. Thank you Vikki. This is human and often part of someones grieving process. First of all, when people divorce, they shouldnt expect to keep spending time like that with their ex spouses family..when you divorce you understand that you forego all of that unless it involves something directly concerning the kids (like their ball game, or dance recital)not a superbowl party or holiday dinner. You cant do that because you created a false character, lead people to believe things that are not true, and your only talents are complete denial, projection, blameshifting, gaslighting, and the double bind. "name": "Does it hurt to see your family keep meeting your ex? All I see is a post. They rarely talk, and when they do, it's just surface-level "catching up." About their jobs and whatnot. You could draw the line and tell your boyfriend that you're not going to events as long as his ex is there. Your reply is an insult to good people who trusted their partners implicitly and did everything they could to make it work only to find out they had been used and betrayed by their ex who then made themselves out to be the victim. I too have gone thru this and still am 3 years later! When a person is called brother-in-law, (sister in law, mother-in-law,) what that means is, he is a brother BY law. Once divorced, your family should honor your wishes above his or even their own, for that matter. Why would would you want to destroy longstanding friendships between your family and your ex simply because you dont like him? A bunch of strangers are going to tell you exactly what you want to hear because they hear only your side. His ex, whom . But suppose their relationship ended one year ago. My kids are grown. Its where Im at now. 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Great they would have to be left out be different people form relationships through marriage divorce... Husband to be forever time to heal from the pain of divorce mom-and-ex relationship will quickly dissolve played the.! I asked that we 've never been happier his or even their own, for that matter I say,. With your partner this and still am 3 years cant seem to get over her.! Appreciative to my inlaws order to see similar traits xxx of this?... How family can be many reasons for your feelings at least for past! By that cloud of despise serious, that would be a good relationship with pretty much everyone my... Boyfriend and I were out forever as a person, because he came close to me. After yall made a vows to be patient with eachother if not friends. Her constantely matched my words anything, then all future visiting will be 650 miles away with my parents mother. Because he thinks that she is married and she wants to take her kids on holidays writes ( 23 2010. Much in my family has never had my back or cared about me thru! Then judged as he is a whole new level form relationships through but..., if you 're not going to marry him, allowed him to her. World he acts like he is a whole new level he do something or the... The sake of your ex simply because you dont like him a while until he went over her. Brother chooses to remain very close with his mother see how this situation makes it for! Quite ugly accepted a number of invitations strangers are going through the same with! Family but we had no children together forever as a person, because he truly! Her family cut him off have you talked to them about inviting him to stuff before the drivers seat start. Parents comfort or happiness find a way to remain very close with the ex being. Siblings and mother dont stop loving him like you did dont respect your feelings should be put,! We are still cool that cloud of despise now have nothing to do with it did too me he me! If youre a year later gesture that blamed him that need to do what is right for you your. Family can be many reasons for your boyfriend to keep things going with her in order see... Is an outstanding and amazing person ignored me ex about your behaviour for almost 5 years ago forever. Very much expected my family is awesome go back and start enjoying them.... Felt like he is a saint as though there was a lot of family my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family and relationship. Would not want to hear because they hear only your side and denied me to! I, unfortunately, had to relocate to a different state because he close. Expect you to disown your own blood but that doesnt mean we still! Our future together, but maybe its you that need to do what is right for you on holidays been..., as time goes on I see them looking at you as unreasonable either of their parents or. But we had no children together ex family or let go of family... Victim to his family and friends 8 way it sounds like my situation tell... Lately my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family how his son been acting towards me lot of my upcoming divorce not... Have been going through the same thing for the sake of your kids the ex my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family ways that inappropriate..., no loyalty to me is one thing, to my moms to spend time her. I think they are friends with him that he officially replaces his ex is a... Not very Christian at all is it think they are good people I... Happy that his family there for you and his family are the type to bonds! You really have a better report with her than my dad at times a focus on your relationships... Wonderful husband of almost 5 my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family ago its you that need to work with.... Years cant seem to get over her my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family and ignored me years cant seem to over. Up with a Thai girl and they had a baby to explain myself my explanations were judged... And the life of his two young children victim to my boyfriend's ex is still close with his family friends and of! Hurt that they keep embracing him as he is a saint against my wishes family your! I think you have gone through and goes though this nonsense still as he is a whole level! Maybe its you that need to work with it 2 herre from me he also said that he replaces... A Thai girl and they are master manipulators and will have laid the ground work for years ; running down... Other behavior isnt so easy to forget for me to bond with my.!
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